Articles by admin

Live Kiddie Hoops Game Draws Record TV Ratings During Quarantine

Bristol, CT (March 19, 2020) – A live feed of a second grade girls basketball game from Guam drew over 125 million viewers on ESPN2 last night easily surpassing Super Bowl XLIX  as the most watched television event of all time.  The game, a fill-in for the second round of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, canceled due to the Covid-19 outbreak, featured remote commentary from Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas, two of the network’s most prominent college basketball analysists.  In the…


Nation’s Teachers: We Told You Your Kids are A$$holes!

Springfield (March 18, 2020) – The National Association of American Teachers (NAAT) is enjoying a huge “We told you so” as the nation’s parents are now realizing their school-aged children are, indeed, gigantic assholes incapable of taking simple educational instruction.  After only two and half days of home-based remote learning due to the COVID-19 pandemic, most adults have thrown up the white flag upon realizing there is no way to get through to the feeble little brains of their Satan-like…


Husband Wishes Wife, Mom Happy Mother’s Day Verbally, Not through Facebook

Chester, NJ (May 13, 2017) – Yesterday morning upon the awakening of his bride of twenty-one years and mother of his two children, local gym owner, Mike Prescott, grabbed his wife, Lynn’s hand and gently wished her a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” and proceeded to let her know that although he and the boys do not say it enough, she is a wonderful mother who they sincerely love and respect.   He then waited several minutes to call his own mother…


Local Family Runs Out of Flushable Wipes, Child Forced to Use Toilet Paper

Springfield, MA (January 22, 2019) –  Conditioned since birth to only use unscented flushable wipes during any trip to the bathroom, a local child was introduced to the horrors of ultra-soft two-ply toilet paper when the seemingly infinite supply of the moist bathroom tissue suddenly ran out.  Jaxxon Newton, 12, suffered a life-changing traumatic experience following a contest in dare by sister Raychyl, 10, in which the pre-teen ate four yards worth of Fruit by the Foot.  Almost an hour…


Boyfriend Dumped After “Valentime’s Day” Surprise

Topeka, KS (February 14, 2018) – It was a morning that Kenny Thompson, 26, thought would show his romantic side to his girlfriend of almost two years. He was hoping it would catapult his relationship with Courtney McDougal, 27, to the next level then eventually lead to engagement. But Thompson’s dreams were shattered after singing a heartfelt original song which included the word “Valentime’s” over a dozen times. McDougal, who has long overlooked Thompson’s butchering of the English language due…