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Thirteen Year-Old Awakens in Decent Mood; Family Thrilled

Springfield (May 19, 2017) – Thirteen year-old Jeremy Mahoney, a seventh grader at Springfield Middle School, woke up this morning in an “okay” mood much to the delight of his parents and siblings.  At approximately 7 AM, Jeremy’s mother Allison gently nudged him to ease him out of slumber then quickly sprinted out of the room to escape his potential wrath in the event he was already having a bad day.  After not hearing any yelling or complaining, the young…

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Prospective Student Rejected During College Campus Tour

Cambridge, MA (April 20, 2017) – Smithtown High School Junior Graham Dowling has already been rejected by his dream school, Harvard University, as a result of several idiotic missteps on his recent campus visit.  Dowling, a straight-A student, a national merit scholar, and president of several academic clubs and teams, had not even gotten the chance to apply in a few months but instead was pulled out of the group tour and told he had already been rejected. The night…


Bracketology Majors Struggling to Find Jobs after Graduation

Bloomington, IN (March 13, 2017) – Keith Hamilton’s life after graduating from Indiana University has not exactly lived up to his lofty expectations.  Working several part-time jobs while crashing in his parents’ basement was not the life he envisioned nearly three years ago after graduating summa cum laude with a 3.96 GPA.  Unfortunately for Hamilton, majoring in Bracketology did not provide him with many choices on the job front when he graduated nor has recent experience helped him secure a…


Seventh-Grader with Shooting Sleeve Yet to Hit a Shot This Basketball Season

New City, NY (March 3, 2017) – Despite wearing a shooting sleeve on his right arm, thirteen year-old Marcus Cook is still scoreless twelve games into the 2016-2017 Clarkstown Recreation Basketball season.  With only the playoffs left to go, league officials do not anticipate Cook, a member of the Red Hawks, hitting a single shot in any future games.  Anything to the contrary would be deemed a huge surprise. After nearly hitting a layup in last year’s seventh-place consolation game,…


Rodan and Mrs. Fields Team Up to Create Cookies ‘n Cream Face Scrub

New York, NY (February 7, 2017) – Dr. Katie Rodan, one half of the duo who introduced  the world to the revolutionary acne treatment, Proactiv, and Debbi Fields, founder of Mrs. Fields Famous Cookies have announced a joint venture combining their talents to create a game-changing Cookies ‘n Cream face scrub which promises to be a world-wide success.  Based on the initial quarter of sales of the scrub, Rodan & Mrs. Fields anticipate rolling out dozens of similar cookie-based creams…