News

New York, NY (January 1, 2018) – Thirty year-old computer programmer, Justin Crawford of Ocala, Florida no longer has testicles after spending fourteen hours in sub-zero wind chills on the corner of 44th Street and Broadway.  Mr. Crawford noticed that his testicles had frozen off his body when he returned to his hotel and removed his adult diaper to use the toilet for the first time of the new year. After taking off his 2018 novelty glasses and a complementary…

Springfield (May 19, 2017) – Thirteen year-old Jeremy Mahoney, a seventh grader at Springfield Middle School, woke up this morning in an “okay” mood much to the delight of his parents and siblings.  At approximately 7 AM, Jeremy’s mother Allison gently nudged him to ease him out of slumber then quickly sprinted out of the room to escape his potential wrath in the event he was already having a bad day.  After not hearing any yelling or complaining, the young…

Cambridge, MA (April 20, 2017) – Smithtown High School Junior Graham Dowling has already been rejected by his dream school, Harvard University, as a result of several idiotic missteps on his recent campus visit.  Dowling, a straight-A student, a national merit scholar, and president of several academic clubs and teams, had not even gotten the chance to apply in a few months but instead was pulled out of the group tour and told he had already been rejected. The night…

Bloomington, IN (March 13, 2017) – Keith Hamilton’s life after graduating from Indiana University has not exactly lived up to his lofty expectations.  Working several part-time jobs while crashing in his parents’ basement was not the life he envisioned nearly three years ago after graduating summa cum laude with a 3.96 GPA.  Unfortunately for Hamilton, majoring in Bracketology did not provide him with many choices on the job front when he graduated nor has recent experience helped him secure a…

New City, NY (March 3, 2017) – Despite wearing a shooting sleeve on his right arm, thirteen year-old Marcus Cook is still scoreless twelve games into the 2016-2017 Clarkstown Recreation Basketball season.  With only the playoffs left to go, league officials do not anticipate Cook, a member of the Red Hawks, hitting a single shot in any future games.  Anything to the contrary would be deemed a huge surprise. After nearly hitting a layup in last year’s seventh-place consolation game,…