Springfield (March 2, 2016) – Ultra-popular 6th Grade Class Couple, Sydney Freihoffer and Kyle Wiggins share an unspoken bond that few, if any, couples can ever claim to have. Since the onset of their rock-solid relationship in early September, this duo has been the model for all other Springfield Heights Middle School couples. They know almost all there is to know about one another yet the two have never actually spoken to each other in person.
For nearly six months the couple has strengthened their unbreakable connection through thousands of text messages, Instagram posts, and late night snap chats. In order to keep their lines of communication fresh, the couple often will partake in “Emoji Mondays” where they can only express their feelings in emoji form and “Acronym Thursday” where only acronyms such as “OMG” and “WTF” can be used. “I can’t wait to hear what his actual voice sounds like in person,” lamented Ms. Freihoffer. “We’re not in any of the same classes so that stinks. We’ve been to a bunch of parties together but it’d be too awkward for me to walk over to him and say something. What would I even say?”
The duo, who for a few days went by the awkward moniker “Kydney” a la “Brangelina” (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie), seem to be content with their non-verbal relationship. “The best part of not talking to each other is that we rarely if ever fight. Any disagreement we have can be blamed on autocorrect or lack of inflection in texts,” explained Kyle. “I don’t want to risk anything by actually talking to her. Plus whenever I get within ten or fifteen feet of her I get very sweaty and feel a tingly feeling in my privates for some reason.”
With the Spring Fling Dance coming up in less than a month, all eyes will be on the stunning couple to hopefully see their first real human interaction. In past years this dance has been a “girls on one side, boys on the other” affair but Freihoffer and Wiggins may change things by meeting in the middle of the gymnasium for a real conversation and maybe even a dance. Most observers still believe most of the “talking” will be done through phone messages which travel nine miles to the nearest cellular tower then gets relayed to the recipient’s phone another nine miles and twenty feet across the gym away.
School Guidance Counselor Doris Nelson believes that the couple has all the qualities for the long haul. “Like most 6th Grade couples, they’ll probably get married the day they graduate college. I’m just hoping that by then they’ll actually have a real conversation but if they don’t I still think it’ll work because they’re both so darn cute together separately.”