Springfield (May 4, 2016) – Though previously thought to be beyond impossible, 28 year-old resident, Mark Wallingford, has claimed to have wiped his behind with a lone sheet of single-ply bath tissue. The married father of one has sworn that the feat was accomplished with a simple four inch by four and half inch piece without any moisturized baby wipes or even a safety wipe for good measure.
This ultra-rare occurrence took place in the comfort of his own home this past Sunday after a breakfast of Raisin Bran mixed with Frosted Flakes. About an hour after finishing his meal, with his iPhone in hand and some work reading tucked between his arm and torso, Wallingford made his way to the main-floor guest bathroom to continue his Sunday morning routine. “Same thing every morning for the past four years,” commented Wallingford, “but today something was special. It’s as if the entire universe was aligned for me. It’s almost unexplainable.”
Upon sitting down on the American Standard Optum VorMax 1.28 GPF Elongated Toilet, Wallingford took out his phone to check a few emails and played a quick game of Solitaire and began his purge. Unfortunately for him, about midway through, he noticed only one sheet of toilet paper left on the roll and not a spare roll in sight. Panicked he screamed for his wife, Pam, who was out food shopping with their seven-month old son, Parker. “I knew I couldn’t get off the bowl to walk across the house to the pantry to get another roll, so I had to make a plan. I reached back to grab the tissues only to realize the box was empty so I had to move to Plan B,” Wallingford proudly described his strategy. “Plan B was to wait it out ‘til my wife got home but that could have been hours and my feet were already falling asleep on me so I moved to Plan C which was to finish my business then use the last piece of toilet paper and possibly the cardboard roll if I needed to.”
Approximately six minutes later, Wallingford finished and began to wipe not knowing if the process would require just a few wipes or if it would turn into a “half-roller” where a half roll of toilet paper would be needed to achieve the desired anal cleanliness. After his normal bowel movements, Wallingford would either opt for a four-sheet fold, if at home, or a mummy-style hand wrap for use with commercial-grade toilets at work.
As a bead of sweat appeared on his brow, Wallingford ripped the square of the cardboard and began to wipe. After a first pass with a slight trace of his business to show for it, the once-a-day crapper folded the sheet in half for a second pass which came up perfectly clear. “Getting married and having a kid was pretty darn special, but I have to be honest, this is right up there,” Wallingford bragged. “My hand is about seven inches long so most of it was exposed during both wipes. My control was pin point. One slip or too much pressure, it would have been bare hand to bare ass.”
With his biggest fear of a sweaty finger penetrating the single ply of toilet paper put to rest, Wallingford was able to remove himself from his porcelain throne to resume his itch-free anus Sunday. “It was the perfect storm but sometimes the bathroom gods smile down on you and today was that day,” Wallingford finished.