Springfield (March 9, 2016) – Springfield Heights High senior Jake O’Sullivan did a masterful job concealing his poorly-timed erection while walking with cat-like precision from his back row desk all the way up to the whiteboard. The seventeen year-old strode approximately twenty-two feet in Honors Calculus while his erection was tucked neatly into the elastic waistbands of both his sweatpants and underwear.
As a healthy young man, O’Sullivan’s erections seem to come and go as they please often times popping up at the sight of a classmate’s bra strap or during a daydream about his one-time baby sitter, Erin Mahoney. With a mind seemingly of its own, O’Sullivan has had problems controlling it from the time he turned thirteen.
“The more I will it to go away the harder it gets, no pun intended. And it happens at the worst frickin’ times….at church, school, when the bus goes over the train tracks. Sometimes I just wanna get rid of this thing,” lamented a clearly frustrated O’Sullivan. “Normally, I’d ignore the teacher when I have an erection but in this class she makes us go to the board so I had no choice. I was going to go for the book over my crotch or the pocket grab, but I opted for the double elastic strap tuck. Based on the lack of snickering in the class, I think I made the right decision.”
For as long as adolescent boys have gone to school, whether it be a one-room schoolhouse in the 1800’s or a new mega monstrosity high school, they have been faced with the terrible dilemma of having to choose to walk to the board with Pinocchio in their pants or take a zero for class participation. O’Sullivan, unfortunately, is no different from his predecessors nor the young men who will follow in his footsteps. “If there’s anything I can pass on to those who have been in my situation it would be this: Either own your erection proudly or make sure you wear sweatpants with strong elastic or a solid belt,” offered O’Sullivan.
“All the girls knew he had a boner,” commented Jen Nordberg, who has several classes with O’Sullivan. “He stands three feet away from the board, spends ten minutes on a two second problem, then walks back to his desk like a normal human being, not crouched over like some sort of elephant man.”