Springfield (March 16, 2016) – Local mother, Andrea Weismann, has decided that there will be no Facebook status updates or picture tags of her eight year-old daughter’s Dazzle Jazzle dance team’s “embarrassing” fourth place finish at the 2016 Winter Dance ‘n Prance held in Columbia, South Carolina. After spending the weekend shuttling from the Springhill Suites Hotel to the Columbia Memorial Convention Center, Weissman determined that the twelve hours spent driving to and from the event, the six hours of makeup preparation and the 29 ½ hours watching other dance teams compete while waiting for her daughter’s three minute routines, just did not warrant a happy Facebook post that undoubtedly would have garnered hundreds of pity “Likes” and fake congratulatory comments.
Weismann estimates that this “competition” cost her and her husband, Lenny, around $3,500 between studio costs, costumes, travel and the time value of money. The burlesque-like costume for Act 2 where her daughter was barely visible in the back row cost nearly $700 alone. Additionally, Lenny has squandered three weeks of vacation time for 2016 on dance competitions leaving no opportunity for quality family time for the remainder of the year. “For the amount of time and money we spend on this dance crap, I expect better than fourth f’n place!” lamented Andrea. “You think I’m putting up a picture of my kid holding up a fourth place ribbon. Shoot, there were only four g-d damn teams in the U8 Tap/Jazz/Hip Hop Mini-mites Five Star Group A Northeast division.”
“Are we proud of our daughter?” Lenny posed himself a question. “I’m not sure if that’s the word we’d use. More like ambivalent or disappointed.” The team of twenty girls spent $600 per child to fly in world renowned competition makeup artist Hans Swensen specifically for Act 3’s ode to Tami Faye Bakker and the collapse of Praise the Lord Club. The girls, who looked like whorish clowns for the act that placed them dead last of the four teams, were reeling knowing that all their hard work would not be seen by their parents’ friends, colleagues and people from high school they barely knew.
In a recent study by Facebook photo engineers, 96% of dance/cheerleading competition photos posted are of a team that wins a national championship of some sort. 3% are of national championship runners up or regional first place winners while around 1% are of children whose parents are still proud of their hard work and dedication even though they did not win.
Statisticians are puzzled as to the amount of teams that come in first place deeming it nearly mathematically impossible. Weismann is in agreement. “It seems like everyone else’s kids win every event but not my kid. I’ll post a picture of my dinner from any restaurant or one of a blister on my heel before I post a picture of my daughter and her loser dance team holding up a ribbon while tears smudge a makeup job that took two hours to put on,” Andrea added. “Maybe I’ll take a picture of the winning team and just say it’s my kid.”