Springfield (May 9, 2016) – Local husband Antonio Greenblatt pretty much ruined Mother’s Day yesterday for his wife, Francesca, due to an extremely underwhelming assortment of crappy gifts given by him and their two young children. For the seventh consecutive year, Antonio, 38, has overseen the production and purchase of some of the most god-awful Mother’s Day presents any mom has ever received.
Year after year, Mother’s Day in the Greenblatt home has ended with a stern promise that next year’s gifts would be better but every year, according to Francesca, Antonio and their two children, Jake, 7 and Braylyn, 5, continue to come up with the same tired, played-out, no-thought gifts that would make most moms recoil in disgust. After the 2014 fiasco that included a painted rock with “Mom” inscribed on it from then five year-old Jake and a homemade card from Braylyn that needed a forensic handwriting specialist to translate, Francesca keeps believing that next year will be different but, so far, her expectations have fallen short.
“The card from Bray when she was three was one of the worst f’n pieces of crap I ever got. There were some scribbles here and there and I was able to make out an ‘M’ somewhere on the ‘card’ made from some paper from Antonio’s printer. He couldn’t spring for some colored construction paper?” said a frustrated Francesca. “Don’t even get me started on the ‘What I Love About Mommy’ questionnaire Jake filled out in nursery school. It was all about him and his damn Legos.”
This year was more of the same junk to open up on Sunday morning. The tireless mom was feted with macaroni necklace that promptly cut her neck upon trying it on and a pipe cleaner ring that was clearly made using her daughter as the hand model. “Oh my gosh, I love them so much” commented the mother through a fake smile and disappointed eyes. The icing on the cake was a coupon from both of her children promising not to fight all day who then promptly assaulted one another over an argument about who drew the picture on the coupon.
Additionally, husband Antonio presented her with a $25 gift card to Sports Authority which she believes was unused from his birthday several months ago. After questioning her husband he replied with “Well, you’re not MY mother, I didn’t have to get you anything” which set her into a maniacal frenzy in which she responded, “You can’t do anything for yourself, so I’m like your mother, you infantile moron!”
While many mothers cherish hand-made cards and gifts, Francesca clearly is not one of them, pining for store-bought finished products and services. “All I want one year is a fuckin’ massage. One full hour. From a real spa. Not from my kids who walk on my back for twenty seconds. Is that too much to ask for someone who wipes butts, cleans snot, does homework, cleans the house, does the laundry and serves three meals a day?”