Live Kiddie Hoops Game Draws Record TV Ratings During Quarantine

Bristol, CT (March 19, 2020) – A live feed of a second grade girls basketball game from Guam drew over 125 million viewers on ESPN2 last night easily surpassing Super Bowl XLIX  as the most watched television event of all time.  The game, a fill-in for the second round of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, canceled due to the Covid-19 outbreak, featured remote commentary from Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas, two of the network’s most prominent college basketball analysists.  In the contest, the Barrigada Ladybugs defeated the Mangilao Cougars in a hard-fought defensive struggle 6-2.   The Ladybugs were led by Anna Leon’s four point, twenty-three rebound, one assist effort. 

Desperate for any type of live sports competition, Americans were glued to their televisions and personal devices to watch this battle between two teams battling to stay out of last place in the league.  Since March Madness, the NBA, NHL, and Major League Baseball have all canceled or postponed their seasons, the sports- and gambling-starved nation has yearned for an event to wager their soon-to-be government bailout money on.  Although it is not quite Kansas vs. Kentucky, the group of seven and eight year-old beginner basketball players proved more than adequate for sports diehards and degenerate gamblers.  Gambling sites including Fan Duel and Caesars Sports Book reported a record handle of nearly $7 billion with a majority of the action wagered on the 6.5 Under/Over point total.

Vitale was impressed with both teams, especially since they were told just before tip-off that the game would be the featured Game of the Week on ESPN2.  “It’s Guam, baby, with a capital ‘G’!  Those girls were PTPers.  Let me tell you something.  That Leon girl could start for Coach K today.  She’s a Diaper Dandy.  Let me tell you about Duke and what a special program Coach K has built,” Vitale rambled on before being interrupted by Bilas.
There is no basketball game too small for Hall of Famer Vitale to commentate.

“Are you going to tell me that these girls are entitled to just a bag of chips and a juice box after the game when they’re making networks, coaches, and betting sites billions of dollars?” Bilas questioned. “Most of these girls will end up quitting basketball in a year or two.  Then what are they left with?  A tax-payer funded education? I guess there’s just not enough money to go around.”

Although the twenty-eight minute running time game featured over seventy uncalled traveling and double dribbling violations, the America viewing public was just happy for a distraction during the Covid-19 pandemic.  “Horrible game.  I lost five hundy on the game because that really short girl with the weird haircut couldn’t make a damn layup and that twelve year-old ref sucked but, man, it’s good to feel alive again,” commented Dave Galvin, 41, of Dallas whose next wager is on his neighbor’s children’s one-on-one driveway battle tomorrow at 2pm. 

ESPN is planning on airing more basketball games during March before transitioning to American Samoa first-grade tee ball and softball later in the spring. 

The Cougars’ Jenny San Nicholas was the high-scorer with two points while twin sister Nicole provided the assist. 

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