Springfield, MA (January 22, 2019) – Conditioned since birth to only use unscented flushable wipes during any trip to the bathroom, a local child was introduced to the horrors of ultra-soft two-ply toilet paper when the seemingly infinite supply of the moist bathroom tissue suddenly ran out. Jaxxon Newton, 12, suffered a life-changing traumatic experience following a contest in dare by sister Raychyl, 10, in which the pre-teen ate four yards worth of Fruit by the Foot.
Almost an hour after devouring two-thousand calories of sugary goodness pressed onto a strip of thin wax paper and rolled into a ball, Jaxxon began feeling sharp stomach pains and was forced to race to one of the three and a half bathrooms in the home. After expunging the pre-dinner “snack”, Jaxxon let out a primal shriek that had parents Alison and Ray sprinting toward the bathroom to check on their boy. Unfortunately, the door was locked due to Jaxxon’s pre-pubescent peach fuzz in certain areas of his growing body. Ray frantically jimmied the lock in an attempt to rescue his son from the certain carnage that awaited him behind the door.
“Dad!!!! There are no more wipes! What do I do? What do I do?” the young man screamed. “I’m taking off my shirt and I’ll use that,” Jaxxon continued referring to the new Vineyard Vines long-sleeve t-shirt he received from his great Aunt Gladys for his birthday.
“Just calm down, son. I’ll walk you through it. Keep that shirt on and listen to me,” Ray barked through the door. “There is toilet paper on a small rod sticking out from the wall. Grab a piece and pull down then rip it off and fold it a few times. Use that to wipe.”
As Jaxxon responded that he had never done that before, mother Alison maneuvered a ladder toward the bathroom window in hopes of wiping her first born.
After several attempts to procure a suitable piece of the cottony plush Charmin, Jaxxon let out another high-pitched squeal. “I’m bleeding!!! I tried wiping. It feels like sandpaper!!! I see blood, Dad! Why is this happening to me? I’m calling DYFS!!”
Once the bleeding subsided, Jaxxon, shorts and underwear wrapped around his ankles, t-shirt pulled down over his genitals, slowly shuffled his way to the door to get his father’s help. While Ray wiped his “tushie”, the traumatized boy continued to writhe in excruciating pain until his dad applied a thin coat of baby powder to the now infected area.
Dr. Frank Gordon, a nationally-respected gastroenterologist, has heard of this scene playing out in way too many homes in the middle to upper-middle class neighborhoods throughout the country. “By not exposing the anus to commercial-grade toilet paper at a young age, the anus gets used to the gentle caress of a flushable wipe. I’ve seen people wet a wad of toilet paper in lieu of a wipe, but the anus knows the difference. You can’t fool it. It’s been clinically proven.”