Springfield (October 28) – For the forty-first consecutive year, in a joint poll conducted by the National Plumbing Association (NPA) and the American Council of Education (ACE), the Nurse’s Office bathroom was voted the best spot in the school to take a number two. The Nurse’s Office continues to have the preferred toilet setting to ensure a pleasurable sitting experience for students of all ages.
A runaway winner receiving over 80% of the votes, the Nurse’s Office was followed by “Sneaking into the Teacher’s Lounge” at 7%, “Holding it in Until I Get Home” at 6%, “The Far Right Stall in the Gym Locker Room” at 4% and the “The Girls/Boys Restroom” bringing up the rear at 3%. In many schools nationwide, bathroom stall doors have been removed to provide a prison-style motif dissuading students from partaking in illegal activities such as smoking, drinking or rolling dice. It’s no surprise that the Nurse’s Office toilet is so popular among students due to its full locking door, single toilet design. Additionally, most have their own sinks with an ample supply of hand soap and paper towels. Some, in the more affluent districts, provide wipes as well. Next to being at home, it’s clearly the best option.
Although today’s youth is far different than that of forty years ago with technology playing such an integral part of the former’s lives, certain behavior and nomenclature is common among them. Historians’ research has concluded that while expressions like “bad” may mean bad in the 1970’s but now is slang for “good”, the phrase “Mr./Mrs (Teacher’s name), can I go to the nurse? I have a stomach ache,” has always loosely meant “I have to take a shit so badly, that there’s no way I’m going to take the risk of having someone in the next stall listening to the symphony of sounds that’s going to come out of my ass.”
Springfield Senior Jack Wilson shares the typical thoughts of his peers. “I’ll always choose the home bowl advantage just because it’s home but, I have to say, the Nurse’s Office is not a bad place to take a dump and play some games on my iPhone.” Like most users of the Nurse’s Office bathroom, Wilson says it’s always a bit awkward after he drops a bomb then sheepishly walks out of the commode right past a gagging Nurse Miller. “I kinda feel bad for her but I suppose that’s the price you pay for having such a nice toilet in your office.”
When asked to make a statement about her office being the top place to drop a deuce, Rita Miller, RN, commented, “I worked my ass off putting myself through nursing school, working two jobs to pay for it. I just want to make a difference, but all I really do is watch a parade of kids dirtying up my toilet and stinking up my office.