Parents Furious as Kool Aid Man Causes $75,000 in Damage to Home

Springfield (October 21) – Local parents, Jenny and Robert Hanson, are absolutely fuming over the destruction of their new home addition caused by the Kool Aid Man. After nearly ten months of heartache, delays and contractor issues in dealing with the construction of a first floor Great Room and a second floor master retreat, the Hanson family is back to square one over a cup of sugary red water requested by their five year-old son, Colby.

Last Friday while Jenny and Robert each were enjoying a fresh cup of Sanka in the living room, Colby and his neighborhood friend, six year-old Bryce Novacek, were playing a fierce game of Connect Four in the Great Room when Bryce mentioned he was getting a bit parched from the excitement of his impending three-game sweep. Since he’d been watching 80’s cartoons on the Retro Channel for much of the week Colby, always a hospitable if not lazy host, shouted, “HEY, KOOL AID!!!!” much to the chagrin of his parents.

“OH NO!” screamed an irate Jenny and Robert in tandem, knowing that in just seconds, a giant red glass pitcher of Incrediberry fruit punch would be unleashing a Hurricane Katrina-like wave of destruction on their finally perfect home. As Robert raced into the Great Room to remove his treasured Stereogram lithograph from the wall, he was nearly bowled over by a thunderous noise from outside. “OH YEAH!” reverberated throughout the neighborhood, followed by bricks, 2 by 4’s, and sheetrock flying into the room and the appearance of the Kool Aid Man. Once the fifteen second devastation ended, Colby savored a nice, cool, refreshing glass of sucrose-filled sweetness while Bryce took a quick sip and decided he would rather just have some plain tap water from the laundry room slop sink. The Kool Aid Man quietly made his exit without a word after leaving tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Hanson home.

Robert's treasured stereograph

Robert’s treasured stereograph before the destruction

After the dust settled both literally and figuratively, Jenny and a partially bloodied Robert tried to assess what looked like the remains of a deadly tornado even though it was a just a result of two thirsty boys and three cents worth of sugar and food coloring. Questions raced through their minds while they made their way through the carnage. “How come the pitcher didn’t shatter when hitting the brick façade of the house? What kind of glass can break through a wall? How come when Kool Aid Man yells ‘Oh Yeah’ none of the drink pours out of his mouth? More importantly, does my homeowner’s policy cover this type of catastrophe? Is home damage due to thirst considered an act of God?”

The Hanson home after a visit from the Kool Aid Man

The Hanson home after a visit from the Kool Aid Man

While Jenny and Robert cried in each other’s arms, the boys went about their Connect Four game as if nothing had happened. “Boys! Are you guys all right?” inquired Robert.

“I wasn’t before when I was really thirsty but after that Kool Aid, I feel a little better,” commented Colby, who is now grounded for the next fifteen years.

“From now on, only Tang is allowed in this house,” Robert added, who then went to contact his insurance carrier.

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