Cambridge, MA (April 20, 2017) – Smithtown High School Junior Graham Dowling has already been rejected by his dream school, Harvard University, as a result of several idiotic missteps on his recent campus visit. Dowling, a straight-A student, a national merit scholar, and president of several academic clubs and teams, had not even gotten the chance to apply in a few months but instead was pulled out of the group tour and told he had already been rejected.
The night before his visit Dowling had a difficult time sleeping due to waves of pent up excitement at the prospect of stepping foot on one of America’s hallowed palaces of academia. But upon arriving with his mother, Sandy, and step-father, John, the young Dowling proceeded to embark on a series of inane inquiries and questionable actions that ensured he would not be among the Class of 2021.
To begin the tour, senior electrical engineering major Jenny McPherson brought the group to the lavatories in the Student Center so that no one would have to take a break during the hour and a half excursion. Dowling immediately walked with his into the women’s rest room to the shock and horror of several co-eds washing their hands. “It’s okay, I’m transgender!” laughed the socially-inept and unaware Dowling, drawing the distain of everyone in hearing distance.
Unfortunately for Dowling, the admission office cameras caught his gaffe and immediately took note of it and relayed the information directly to McPherson’s undetectable ear transmitter. “Watch out for the schmuck who walked into the ladies room,” directed Dean of Admissions, Dennis Cunningham. “Let’s see if he weeds himself out before he leaves campus.”
After checking out the business college building the group headed to the freshmen dormitories to take a look at the living accommodations at the prestigious university. “Who changes the sheets?” asked Dowling, followed by a host of moronic questions such as “Is there waiter service in the cafeteria?”, “Does everyone get a girlfriend?” and “Is Spring Break included in the tuition?” Immediately following Dowling’s three-minute interruption McPherson took a thirty second break away from the group to update the Dean of Admissions.
The second to last stop, also the stop that solidified Dowling’s fate, was at the university’s athletic center. After McPherson guided the group through the aquatics center, weight room and indoor cycling area, they ended up in the basketball arena where Dowling then plopped down on the freshly lacquered bleachers oblivious to the dozens of signs stating “DO NOT SIT. WET SHELLACK”. He finally met his ultimate demise when he asked the guide if the school is cancelled if the basketball team wins the national championship.
As the group moved on to the university’s medical facilities, Cunningham quietly pulled aside Dowling along with his parents and formally presented him with a rejection letter on the spot.
“But I haven’t even applied yet,” a devastated Dowling whimpered.
“Probably best if you don’t take any more tours,” replied Cunningham who then validated their parking and escorted the family to their car.