Springfield (February 3, 2016) – After an eight and a half year study funded by Proctor & Gamble, makers of Tide detergent, a team of research scientists at the Springfield Technical Institute declared yesterday that the laundry is never really “done”. While some have claimed to be “all done with the laundry”, this team of top white-coated analysts was able to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that there is no such thing as being “done with the laundry”.
For nearly a decade, this group, led by Dr. Hans Johnson (MIT, PhD ’93) and Dr. John Hanson (Cal Tech PhD, ’89) studied and analyzed if the laundry can ever really be “done” and, if so, in what situation that would even be possible. The team of seven, with the agreement of millions of mothers and fathers across the globe, was unable to come up with an instance when the laundry truly was “done”, not even for a nanosecond. “We were close a few years back,” a clearly dejected Dr. Johnson explained, “There is never really a moment in time when there is absolutely no laundry to be done. It’s an impossibility.”
In 2012, the scientists thought they had the break they were looking for when one mother mentioned she had a distant relative living in a nudist colony. After days of high hopes and around the clock formulations, the team unfortunately concluded that “nudists use an abundance of towels for sitting, drying off after a game of pool volleyball, or snapping each other on the backside in a playful manner”.
Area stay-at-home mother of three, Holly Nelson, was part of several focus groups created to help with the research. She knew from the get go that the scientists had as much of a chance concluding that the laundry could be “done” as she had pairing up each sock from a single load of clothes. “I knew these guys were chasing leprechauns and unicorns. I’ve been doing laundry for my whole life. The second I’m finished putting away two or three baskets of clothes, more magically appear. It’s bizarre,” Holly commented. “I finish my kids’ laundry then I have to do mine. I finish mine, then there’s a uniform that needs to be cleaned, then my husband’s, then towels, then bedding. It’s a vicious cycle, no pun intended.”
At the conclusion of the study, Dr. Johnson retreated to his home for some much needed rest and relaxation only to find an eight and a half year old pile of laundry measuring seven foot high, ten foot wide, three foot deep, swarming with flies in the corner of his bedroom. “Sh#t. I’ve got 210 cubic feet of laundry to do. Looks like another weekend at home. Can I borrow some detergent?” Dr. Johnson asked this reporter.