New York, NY (January 1, 2018) – Thirty year-old computer programmer, Justin Crawford of Ocala, Florida no longer has testicles after spending fourteen hours in sub-zero wind chills on the corner of 44th Street and Broadway. Mr. Crawford noticed that his testicles had frozen off his body when he returned to his hotel and removed his adult diaper to use the toilet for the first time of the new year.
After taking off his 2018 novelty glasses and a complementary Planet Fitness party hat, Crawford began to urinate and could not feel his normally descendant family jewels in this left hand. Much to his chagrin, his testicles were wobbling around the Depends undergarment like a pair of Weebles. Crawford, never one to panic, calmly finished emptying his bladder and called 911 to arrange an ambulance to St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital in hopes of re-attaching his frozen testicles without suffering any long-term damage.
Upon arriving at the emergency room, Crawford consulted with ER Chief of Staff, Dr. Robert Levine, who determined that ironically Crawford’s balls dropped off his body at almost the exact time the Waterford Crystal-adorned ball dropped to signify the New Year, asked Crawford a series of questions to assess the best plan of action to save his prized bean bags. After concluding that Crawford would probably never need his testicles due to his lack of dating/social life in addition to his questionable decision making (i.e. standing in five degree weather for fourteen hours with a bunch of strangers to signify a change in the calendar), Dr. Levine and Crawford agreed that the risks of suturing the testicles back onto his body far outweighed the future benefits for the thirty-year old virgin.
“Yeah, I’m disappointed losing any chance of fathering a child one day, but starving myself for a half a day in Arctic temperatures while wearing a urine-soaked diaper was an experience I’d never give back in a million years,” commented Crawford, unaware that he had also lost seven of his ten toes, as well. “Plus I got that free hat!”
“I didn’t think giving him back his testicles was a prudent decision,” Dr. Levine explained, “I’m going to put them in a jar for him to take home with him so if he ever gets married he can give them to his wife. He can definitely get prosthetic ones in the future but in my professional medical opinion, I honestly don’t think he’ll need his testicles.”