Springfield (May 19, 2017) – Thirteen year-old Jeremy Mahoney, a seventh grader at Springfield Middle School, woke up this morning in an “okay” mood much to the delight of his parents and siblings. At approximately 7 AM, Jeremy’s mother Allison gently nudged him to ease him out of slumber then quickly sprinted out of the room to escape his potential wrath in the event he was already having a bad day. After not hearing any yelling or complaining, the young man’s father, Rich, completed the awakening process by making sure Jeremy was getting dressed and reminded him several times to brush his teeth and put on deodorant.
The Mahoneys have been dealing with Jeremy’s mood swings just days after noticing a small patch of acne around his nasal region one year ago. Scientists and sociologists have not been able to conclude if his acne, deepening of his voice, and sparsely grown mustache have anything to do with his poor attitude toward his parents and little brother, Sean. Parents of many of Jeremy’s peers have reported the same phenomena at their homes which has local officials concerned for everyone’s well-being.
“Mornings are the worst,” explained Allison, “I poke him like I’m waking a bear then high-tail it out of his room so he doesn’t scream at me for no reason. But then when he comes home from school he’s all hugs and kisses until he finds out I’ve run out of his favorite snack. Then I’m the worst mom ever until I find his iPhone which he thought he lost.”
Frustrated parents only have each other to commiserate with as attempts to discuss anything with their children is met with a disdainful grunt and subsequent door slamming. As facial hair thickens and clothing lifespans lessen, the boys become more and more difficult deal with on a daily basis. For some, a child in a so-so mood is a huge victory for the entire family.
“We’ve discussed sending Jeremy away to boarding school and having him come home when he finishes with graduate degree or PhD,” remarked Rich. “It’ll be nice to not have to worry if our son wakes up furious at his mother and me.”
Researchers fear that situations may be even worse in households with young ladies navigating their way through adolescence. A recent study found that nine out of ten girls between the ages of eleven and seventeen enjoy Snapchatting with friends over spending quality time with parents or guardians.
“I’d kill to have sons,” a sarcastic, non-sympathetic Deb Gordon, 45, remarked, “I’ve got twin girls in seventh grade and another who’s a sophomore. I’ve had Navy Seals leave my house in tears.”