Nude Student Ruins Pajama Day for Senior Class

Springfield (February 24, 2016) – It was supposed to be one of the highlights of Spirit Week at Springfield Heights High School. Instead, the festive day was ruined by a student who misunderstood the meaning of Pajama Day. Moonlight Thomas, a transfer student from Berkeley, California, apparently did not realize that students were supposed to wear actual pajamas, not the exact outfit that they typically wear to bed every night. Following Backwards Day and Favorite Sports Team Day, Pajama Day…


Star Student Rejected by Entire Ivy League for Taking Family Vacation in 4th Grade

Springfield (February 17, 2016) – Brian Schuster, a 4.0 honors student with near perfect SAT scores and captain of three varsity sports teams at Springfield Heights High School, was rejected by seven Ivy League schools and wait-listed at another for taking a family vacation in 4th grade while school was still in session. Seemingly a lock to have his pick of schools to attend, the square-jawed Special Olympics volunteer apparently had his fate sealed eight years ago when he did…


“I’m Not Going to Say It Again” Said Again and Again by Area Mother

Springfield (February 9, 2016) – After area mother Kim Palmer, 42, warned her children that she was “not going to say it again” in reference to her request that the children clean up their rooms, Palmer went back on her promise vocalized only seconds before and said “I’m not going to say it again” several more times over the next five or so minutes. Her stern yet hollow warning was repeated while she was watching TV, talking on the phone…


Scientists Conclude Laundry Never Really “Done”

Springfield (February 3, 2016) – After an eight and a half year study funded by Proctor & Gamble, makers of Tide detergent, a team of research scientists at the Springfield Technical Institute declared yesterday that the laundry is never really “done”. While some have claimed to be “all done with the laundry”, this team of top white-coated analysts was able to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that there is no such thing as being “done with the laundry”. For nearly…


Geography Bee Champ Can’t Find Way Home from Bus Stop Again

Springfield (January 27, 2016) – Two-time Springfield Heights Elementary School Geography Bee Champion Robbie Feinstein has for the fourth time in five days this week gotten lost on the walk home from the school bus stop. Despite being dropped off only four houses away from his home, Feinstein just cannot manage to make his way home without having to ask neighbors and passersby for detailed, sometimes written, directions. Coming off another easy Geography Bee victory last week, Feinstein, 11, a…