“I’m Not Going to Say It Again” Said Again and Again by Area Mother

Springfield (February 9, 2016) – After area mother Kim Palmer, 42, warned her children that she was “not going to say it again” in reference to her request that the children clean up their rooms, Palmer went back on her promise vocalized only seconds before and said “I’m not going to say it again” several more times over the next five or so minutes. Her stern yet hollow warning was repeated while she was watching TV, talking on the phone…


Scientists Conclude Laundry Never Really “Done”

Springfield (February 3, 2016) – After an eight and a half year study funded by Proctor & Gamble, makers of Tide detergent, a team of research scientists at the Springfield Technical Institute declared yesterday that the laundry is never really “done”. While some have claimed to be “all done with the laundry”, this team of top white-coated analysts was able to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that there is no such thing as being “done with the laundry”. For nearly…


Geography Bee Champ Can’t Find Way Home from Bus Stop Again

Springfield (January 27, 2016) – Two-time Springfield Heights Elementary School Geography Bee Champion Robbie Feinstein has for the fourth time in five days this week gotten lost on the walk home from the school bus stop. Despite being dropped off only four houses away from his home, Feinstein just cannot manage to make his way home without having to ask neighbors and passersby for detailed, sometimes written, directions. Coming off another easy Geography Bee victory last week, Feinstein, 11, a…


East Coast Prepares to Feast on Buttered Bread, Eggs, and Milk During Blizzard

Springfield (January 22, 2016) – As the first major snow storm bears down on the East Coast of the United States, residents are urgently rushing to supermarkets across the region to purchase milk, eggs, bread, and butter so they can enjoy bread with or without butter, eggs, and milk while the snow pummels the area. Supermarkets are urging shoppers to get to the stores as soon as possible to avoid having to eat a non-staple food during the blizzard. The…


Community in Shock as 6th Grader Wears Down Jacket on Ten Degree Morning

Springfield (January 18, 2016) – In an unprecedented move by a seemingly “cool” kid, local middle-schooler Jeremy Whitman, 13, defied the masses by wearing a down jacket, wool hat and a pair of gloves to the bus stop on a frigidly cold ten degree morning. As he strode to the bus stop this morning, his peers and their parents sitting in their warm SUV’s could not believe their eyes: an adolescent boy using common sense in an attempt to stay…