East Coast Prepares to Feast on Buttered Bread, Eggs, and Milk During Blizzard

Springfield (January 22, 2016) – As the first major snow storm bears down on the East Coast of the United States, residents are urgently rushing to supermarkets across the region to purchase milk, eggs, bread, and butter so they can enjoy bread with or without butter, eggs, and milk while the snow pummels the area. Supermarkets are urging shoppers to get to the stores as soon as possible to avoid having to eat a non-staple food during the blizzard. The…


Community in Shock as 6th Grader Wears Down Jacket on Ten Degree Morning

Springfield (January 18, 2016) – In an unprecedented move by a seemingly “cool” kid, local middle-schooler Jeremy Whitman, 13, defied the masses by wearing a down jacket, wool hat and a pair of gloves to the bus stop on a frigidly cold ten degree morning. As he strode to the bus stop this morning, his peers and their parents sitting in their warm SUV’s could not believe their eyes: an adolescent boy using common sense in an attempt to stay…


“Miss Moore is a Whore” Banned by Local Elementary School

Springfield (December 21, 2015) – After a six-hour marathon meeting of the Springfield Board of Education (SBOE), a decision has been made to remove the controversial “Miss Moore is a Whore” children’s book from the district’s school libraries. “Miss Moore” is just one book from the popular book series “My Zany School” by author Matt Jorgenson. “Miss Moore is a Whore” is a delightfully wacky tale which centers on a new 23-year old surgically-enhanced single Language Arts teacher who sleeps…


3 Year-Old Child in 99th Percentile of Something or Other, Mother Brags

Springfield (November 4, 2015) – Local Mother, Shirley Robertson, 32, has been sporting an ear-to-ear grin on her face this week after determining her daughter, Olyvia, 3, is in the 99th percentile of something or other, she thinks. Small in stature and slightly underweight, Olyvia is among the 3 year-old elite when it comes to a statistic not yet determined by her mother nor the American Association of Pediatrics. But Shirley is positive her offspring ranks up there with the…


Nurse’s Office Voted Top Place to Go to the “Bathroom” Bathroom Among American Students

Springfield (October 28) – For the forty-first consecutive year, in a joint poll conducted by the National Plumbing Association (NPA) and the American Council of Education (ACE), the Nurse’s Office bathroom was voted the best spot in the school to take a number two. The Nurse’s Office continues to have the preferred toilet setting to ensure a pleasurable sitting experience for students of all ages. A runaway winner receiving over 80% of the votes, the Nurse’s Office was followed by…