“Miss Moore is a Whore” Banned by Local Elementary School

Springfield (December 21, 2015) – After a six-hour marathon meeting of the Springfield Board of Education (SBOE), a decision has been made to remove the controversial “Miss Moore is a Whore” children’s book from the district’s school libraries. “Miss Moore” is just one book from the popular book series “My Zany School” by author Matt Jorgenson. “Miss Moore is a Whore” is a delightfully wacky tale which centers on a new 23-year old surgically-enhanced single Language Arts teacher who sleeps…


3 Year-Old Child in 99th Percentile of Something or Other, Mother Brags

Springfield (November 4, 2015) – Local Mother, Shirley Robertson, 32, has been sporting an ear-to-ear grin on her face this week after determining her daughter, Olyvia, 3, is in the 99th percentile of something or other, she thinks. Small in stature and slightly underweight, Olyvia is among the 3 year-old elite when it comes to a statistic not yet determined by her mother nor the American Association of Pediatrics. But Shirley is positive her offspring ranks up there with the…


Nurse’s Office Voted Top Place to Go to the “Bathroom” Bathroom Among American Students

Springfield (October 28) – For the forty-first consecutive year, in a joint poll conducted by the National Plumbing Association (NPA) and the American Council of Education (ACE), the Nurse’s Office bathroom was voted the best spot in the school to take a number two. The Nurse’s Office continues to have the preferred toilet setting to ensure a pleasurable sitting experience for students of all ages. A runaway winner receiving over 80% of the votes, the Nurse’s Office was followed by…


Parents Furious as Kool Aid Man Causes $75,000 in Damage to Home

Springfield (October 21) – Local parents, Jenny and Robert Hanson, are absolutely fuming over the destruction of their new home addition caused by the Kool Aid Man. After nearly ten months of heartache, delays and contractor issues in dealing with the construction of a first floor Great Room and a second floor master retreat, the Hanson family is back to square one over a cup of sugary red water requested by their five year-old son, Colby. Last Friday while Jenny…


8 Month-Old Walking “Prodigy” Now Just an Okay 17 Year-Old Walker

Springfield (October 14) – Justin Davis took his first steps just over eight months into his life leading many family members to believe a walking prodigy was among them. As he let go of the family room coffee table, the baby, still months from his first birthday, took two wobbly steps over to his father’s recliner. The entire family gasped in disbelief then cheered until young Justin began to cry from the loud screeches emanating from the near toothless mouth…