Nurse’s Office Voted Top Place to Go to the “Bathroom” Bathroom Among American Students

Springfield (October 28) – For the forty-first consecutive year, in a joint poll conducted by the National Plumbing Association (NPA) and the American Council of Education (ACE), the Nurse’s Office bathroom was voted the best spot in the school to take a number two. The Nurse’s Office continues to have the preferred toilet setting to ensure a pleasurable sitting experience for students of all ages. A runaway winner receiving over 80% of the votes, the Nurse’s Office was followed by…


Parents Furious as Kool Aid Man Causes $75,000 in Damage to Home

Springfield (October 21) – Local parents, Jenny and Robert Hanson, are absolutely fuming over the destruction of their new home addition caused by the Kool Aid Man. After nearly ten months of heartache, delays and contractor issues in dealing with the construction of a first floor Great Room and a second floor master retreat, the Hanson family is back to square one over a cup of sugary red water requested by their five year-old son, Colby. Last Friday while Jenny…


8 Month-Old Walking “Prodigy” Now Just an Okay 17 Year-Old Walker

Springfield (October 14) – Justin Davis took his first steps just over eight months into his life leading many family members to believe a walking prodigy was among them. As he let go of the family room coffee table, the baby, still months from his first birthday, took two wobbly steps over to his father’s recliner. The entire family gasped in disbelief then cheered until young Justin began to cry from the loud screeches emanating from the near toothless mouth…


Area Parents Actually Believe Tiny Chance Child May Not Get Athletic Scholarship

Saving for Son’s College Education Just in Case Springfield (May 1) – Area residents, Robert and Jennifer Matthews, parents of six year-old Andrew, have been saving money for Andrew’s college education for nearly three years, just on the very remote chance he does not earn a full athletic scholarship to the college of his choice. By contributing monthly and receiving a 25% match from his employer, PNC Bank, into a 529 Savings Plan, Robert and Jennifer are securing that their…


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National Weather Service: Mysterious Sustained Wind Gust at 8:07 Determined to be Collective Sigh of Relief as Kids Return to School

Randolph, NJ (Sept 9) – On a gorgeous autumn-like morning, a powerful 65-mile per hour wind that blew through Randolph Township for nearly fifteen minutes was determined by the National Weather Service to be a collective sigh of relief from hundreds of area parents as children were boarding the bus for their first day of school.  No serious damage has been reported but several parents were out of breath and giddy with reclaimed freedom while others were already visibly drunk…