News

Chester, NJ (May 13, 2017) – Yesterday morning upon the awakening of his bride of twenty-one years and mother of his two children, local gym owner, Mike Prescott, grabbed his wife, Lynn’s hand and gently wished her a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” and proceeded to let her know that although he and the boys do not say it enough, she is a wonderful mother who they sincerely love and respect.   He then waited several minutes to call his own mother…

Springfield, MA (January 22, 2019) –  Conditioned since birth to only use unscented flushable wipes during any trip to the bathroom, a local child was introduced to the horrors of ultra-soft two-ply toilet paper when the seemingly infinite supply of the moist bathroom tissue suddenly ran out.  Jaxxon Newton, 12, suffered a life-changing traumatic experience following a contest in dare by sister Raychyl, 10, in which the pre-teen ate four yards worth of Fruit by the Foot.  Almost an hour…

Topeka, KS (February 14, 2018) – It was a morning that Kenny Thompson, 26, thought would show his romantic side to his girlfriend of almost two years. He was hoping it would catapult his relationship with Courtney McDougal, 27, to the next level then eventually lead to engagement. But Thompson’s dreams were shattered after singing a heartfelt original song which included the word “Valentime’s” over a dozen times. McDougal, who has long overlooked Thompson’s butchering of the English language due…

New York, NY (January 1, 2018) – Thirty year-old computer programmer, Justin Crawford of Ocala, Florida no longer has testicles after spending fourteen hours in sub-zero wind chills on the corner of 44th Street and Broadway.  Mr. Crawford noticed that his testicles had frozen off his body when he returned to his hotel and removed his adult diaper to use the toilet for the first time of the new year. After taking off his 2018 novelty glasses and a complementary…

Springfield (May 19, 2017) – Thirteen year-old Jeremy Mahoney, a seventh grader at Springfield Middle School, woke up this morning in an “okay” mood much to the delight of his parents and siblings.  At approximately 7 AM, Jeremy’s mother Allison gently nudged him to ease him out of slumber then quickly sprinted out of the room to escape his potential wrath in the event he was already having a bad day.  After not hearing any yelling or complaining, the young…