Nation’s Teachers: We Told You Your Kids are A$$holes!

Springfield (March 18, 2020) – The National Association of American Teachers (NAAT) is enjoying a huge “We told you so” as the nation’s parents are now realizing their school-aged children are, indeed, gigantic assholes incapable of taking simple educational instruction.  After only two and half days of home-based remote learning due to the COVID-19 pandemic, most adults have thrown up the white flag upon realizing there is no way to get through to the feeble little brains of their Satan-like offspring. 

Despite for years being told by seasoned, experienced teachers that their children were disruptive, disrespectful assholes, American parents were always quick to point out the obvious negative bias the teacher had to only their child.  Whether it was because the teacher was going through a divorce, dieting, or, for females, going through their monthly menstrual cycle, there always seemed to be a good reason why the teacher hated their children. 

“I’ve gotta be honest with you,” explained Jenn Eastwick, mother two middle school boys, “I always thought that Senora Finkelstein, Joey’s Spanish teacher, exaggerated about his unruly behavior just a bit but I owe her a huge apology.  That kid is a first-class asshole.  He didn’t listen to a damn word I said for the last two days.” After downing a gummy edible with half of a box of Merlot, Eastwick continued.  “I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do after lunch if these kids continue to act like unbelievable assholes.”

While many parents of assholes have been heaping praise on their children’s teachers, stopping just short of nominating the most patient teachers for sainthood, others have found a new appreciation for the struggle most educators face on a daily basis, especially the ones who have multiple assholes in their classes.  NAAT estimates that nine out of ten students can be considered an “asshole” based on criterion such as backtalk, holier than thou attitude, perceived socioeconomic differences between teacher/student, general disrespect for the education process as a whole, and most importantly, the belief that the student is the greatest, do-nothing-wrong child based on what the student hears from parents on a daily basis.

Although NAAT President/Spokesperson Natalie Randolph understands the struggle of each and every American during this unprecedented time, she hopes that when the next teachers’ union contract negotiation occurs, parents will be more than happy to spend extra tax dollars on her hard-working constituents.  “We anticipate plenty of students who behave like assholes from 8am to 3pm, Monday through Friday, over the next few decades.  Do parents really want to deal with these assholes all week long?  We have all the leverage we’ll ever need.”